Unsolicited advice is like a vacuum cleaner. I think you know where I’m going with this.
I’m a little done with feeling sorry for myself
I could keep feeding sorrow but what the hell
Nothing can be done to change the past
So maybe for awhile I’ll embrace the humor of life and laugh
Fuck what ya heard
I’m fucking absurd
I’m awesome sauce
I think I’m made of plastic
No I don’t
What was that
I’m made of meat and blood and fat
I’m made of scar tissue that I wish you saw
I’m made of bruises from last night’s fall
I’m tickled pink
I’m what you think
No I’m not
My words are weird
Can you blame them?
I am wired
You are fired
I’m a stoopyd liar
I am happy
I am playing in the sunlight
I am sappy
And now I’m having fun right
You will love me
You will care
Doesn’t matter that you aren’t there
Like you don’t exist
Don’t be pissed
I don’t either
I am soda
I am tea
You’re a bumbling buzzing bee
Here to drink me
Here to eat me
I got no fight left in me
Going along with it
With the flow of it
Making a great big show of it
Look how super cool I am
Look at me I’m fireworks Bam!
Face down on the filthy floor
All I wanted
Was to walk out the door
Leave on a high note
Maybe get your vote
On most likely to succeed
Most likely to bleed
- 1. Tripping over my own feet
- 2. Telling everyone how drunk I am when I'm drunk
- 3. Oversharing
- 4. Eye daggers
- 5. Foul language
- 6. Overreacting
- 7. Using "big" words properly and confusing people with limited vocabulary unintentionally causing chaos
- 8.Responding to stupid questions with "yo mama"
- 9. Yo mama
- 10. That's what she said.
wednesdayshambles said: You have a banana, a pair of shoelaces, some tic-tacs, and very little time. You are currently locked in a room with a clock that seems to be counting down towards something. Quick! How do you escape?
I would eat the banana, followed by the tic tacs because bananas can give you some funky breath. I would watch the numbers on the clock change. It’s a digital clock and ever since is was a wee lass I imagined that the lines folded and unfolded to make new numbers. It’s a great way for a bored insomniac to occupy their thoughts. Anywho. I would unlock the door and walk out. I gotta pee man and the ticking of the clock is making it worse for some reason. Or maybe it was the banana, who knows. Oh hey, I’m not in the room anymore. Why do I have carebear shoelaces in my pocket? Oh yeah! They were a present for my 16th birthday. I wonder what the clock was counting down to. I’ll go see after I use the bathroom. *starts humming* Alright let’s go see what’s up in dat room dere. Oh goody I didn’t miss it!!
As the clock counts down the final minute the tension is palpable. I stare at her through the two-way mirror wondering if she has a clue what is about to happen. She is watching the clock and I am wringing my sweaty hands. The anticipation is killing me. 4..Here it comes…2..1..I watch as balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. The caterer I hired wheels in a cart covered in the finest desserts. Another person brings a basket filled with the plushest stuffed animals money can buy. Never have I seen so much joy on her face. I wonder if I should reveal myself or remain her secret admirer.
hangingoninquietdesparation said: Follow up question....... If the congress(parliament) is replaced by the muppets, the senate (lords) by the audience, who should be head of state be? Obviously the UK has a Monarch, so Miss Piggy is a shoo in, but the US ?
After giving this some serious thought, I would have to say that Fozzie Bear would be the best candidate for US president. I mean, he wears a polka dot scarf and a hat! Also he can wiggle his ears. His catch phrase ” Wocka wocka wocka!” has become a staple of American English vocabulary. With the US great sense of humor and fashion, Fozzie would be a great fit.
Please hold me
When I fall this time
Hold me as I lay here
And watch me as I cry
Don’t catch me
I’ll never feel the pain and learn
Hold me as they fan the flame
And watch me as I burn
Comfort me as I scream in agony
Tell me it’ll be alright
Tell me this won’t last long
Tell me I’ll sleep tonight.
hangingoninquietdesparation said: Should the UK replace the House of Lords with a democratically elected 2nd house, or, as would be my preference, the audience from the muppet show
Personally I believe all governments should be replaced not by the audience from the muppet show, but by the muppets themselves. This would probably lead to a one world government. But hey, one government can’t fight itself over it’s own assets right? I mean there would be potential for civil uprisings, but let’s be honest, who wins an argument against the muppets?
Anonymous said: What's 4389 mean?
It’s the number of souls I have consumed. In case you are wondering, souls are delicious sauteed in extra virgin olive oil with a dash of pepper. You may have noticed that the number hasn’t gone up. Well, my doctor recently recommended that I stop eating souls, at least for a little while, as they are habit forming. I really respect my doctor so I am taking his advice. Thanks for being a curious anon!!*
*4/3/89 = April 3, 1989 = My birth date.
smoothingsand said: And my last question: your top 5 common metaphors.
Alright, I really like this question. It’s going to a completely truthful answer.
Top 5 metaphors that I use in every day speech. (similies are included bc they are a type of metaphor)(bite me)
1. Weight of the world (life, man. life)
2. Beating a dead horse (no context needed)
3. Slept like the dead (when I sleep for 3 or more hours consecutively)
4. Legs were wet noodles. (any time I get super nervous about something)
5. THEY ARE LIKE MY SHADOWS!! (being frustrated with my dogs following me around constantly.)
Top 5 metaphors that I use in poetry and other writing (I think)
1. I am broken
2. I am a flower
3. I am dark inside
4. My darker side is a demon
5. Grief is like a knife
raisethecurve said: merry christmas
I am shocked and appalled that you would say such a thing to me! And here I thought we were friends! You racist!!
Ask me silly questions so I can respond with silly answers and be distracted from my misery.
So this is super awesome fun. Don’t know why I didn’t do this years ago. Oh yeah, I’ve only been on the tumblr a few months.
I’ve answered 11 questions. I have one sitting in my inbox as I type this. I would love to have some more. (I know, I’m like a greedy lil bastard aren’t I?)
Anonymous said: What IS Blonderson??
AKDFJALKDSF!!! How do you NOT know who Blonderson is??? *sigh*
Blonderson is the man who discovered popcorn. Orville Redenbacher Blonderson.
Legend tells us that it was during a long hot summer that he invented the delicious buttery theater treat. He was a seventh generation corn farmer. Simple of mind, he never imagined he would make one of the greatest discoveries of the 20th century. His family was flat broke and had no food besides the corn stockpiled in the pantry. Their well had run dry as it sometimes did during drought summers so they couldn’t rehydrate the dried corn. He decided he would cook the dry kernals, with the idea that the heat would somehow make them palatable. When the kernels started to pop everyone ran from the house screaming, fearing for their lives. Blonderson waited outside until he no longer heard popping and ventured back into the kitchen to find all of the dry kernels had turned into puffy little things. He popped one into his mouth and determined they could use some butter and salt. Unfortunately they didn’t have any butter, but at least they had salt. He called to his family and when they came inside he fed them a gourmet dinner of salted popcorn.
In the following days he realized that such a food was easily portable and at the end of the harvest season when they were finally paid, they went to see a movie as a family, bringing along popcorn. They were kicked out for bringing thier own food to the theater of course. Later Blonderson approached the concessions manager at the local movie theater and asked if he would be willing to sell his popped corn to moviegoers. He offered a free sample and the concessions manager was hooked. Later he patented the popped corn, initially calling it corny puff clouds. The concessions manager, being a person of business and understanding the power in a name convinced him popcorn would be a better fit. And that’s why popcorn is a staple of movie concessions all over the world.